Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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