the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
