My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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