Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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