just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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