I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
