now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This baby is an asshole
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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