last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
