This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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