Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
