wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
