Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
