Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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