I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
