Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Hippo gnu deer
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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