oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize