Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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