new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
