I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
dude. I can hear the air.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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