stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize