the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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