At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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