the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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