i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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