I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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