Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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