Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The police scanner is talking about you again....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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