God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
