Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
