wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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