Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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