There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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