There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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