we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize