I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
