You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
