google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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