im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
