I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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