apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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