I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
