Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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