it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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