just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
