Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
