We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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