you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
