he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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