wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
