I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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