I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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