I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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