I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
