I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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