Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
