We won't sleep together?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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