you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
