we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
